The D word

Divorce. It can be one of the most detrimental things to happen to a family. It rip it apart and stomp on the pieces. It can lead to some of the biggest regret of one's life - since more than half of divorcees regret the decision. Yet despite its damaging affects, it is sometimes truly necessary and can leave everyone or at least most of them better off in the end.

The three reasons I believe divorce would be acceptable or even advantageous would be repeated abuse of ANY form, a serious addiction, or repeated infidelity. I also believe, however, that these are not reasons to get a divorce if the accused person is TRULY willing to changed, has the desire to, and has shown that clearly to the spouse.

If some one is abusing their spouse or anyone else whether it be physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, or cognitively and have not shown a true desire or willingness to get the professional help needed, then I believe that the marriage should come to the end. In that circumstance, there is no way the abused could be worse off in the long run (provided they don't get involved with another abuser). It would of course be hard and legalities and restraining orders may be necessary.

The second circumstance would be any form of addiction. Addictions are "a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)" (http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction). Serious addictions interfere with your everyday life and come between the relationships with loved ones. Any addiction whether it is gambling, drugs, alcohol, gaming, pornography, food, exercise, shopping, lying, sex, etc can become extreme enough to where the addicted can value and even love the addiction more than the spouse or family. I have seen this happen and it is one of the worst ways to live for all involved. I would encourage the non-addicted spouse to do everything they can to get that person help and be patient. if nothing works, than you can honestly say you did your best and leave.

The third reason is repeated infidelity. I am a forgiving person and I understand that temptations can be strong and everyone has moments of weakness. Although every circumstance is different, I believe that the first time should eventually be forgiven so long as they are truly remorseful for it. For me, I believe that the second time would be my end point because I have very little tolerance for cheating. I get one mistake but if they had godly sorrow, i don't think they would be weak enough to make the same mistake again. Everyone is different though. Some wouldn't leave even if it was a regular thing and that is their choice. 

Divorce is an awful, awful thing but it is sometimes necessary. But I would encourage everyone considering divorce to make sure you have truly done everything you are capable of doing (not just what you are willing to do) before you consider it further. I really believe these are the only three reasons for divorce. So you fell out of love? Fall back in love again! You aren't compatible? Let go of your pride and be willing to change!

Please, for the sake of any kids (if there are any) don't do it unless absolutely necessary.

The Best Job on Earth

Parenting is terrifying. I'm way more scared to be parent than I was to become a wife.The thing about being a wife is that your husband loves you for who you are (or should anyways). Although we always have room for improvement and should be constantly changing (hopefully for the better), our souse has excepted us as is. Every quirk, flaw, and perfection. He is an individual who makes his own decisions and can fend for himself. Just as the wife can. We are important to each other but physically, we are fine on our own.

With children, they are completely dependent on you till they can talk really. They rely on you to know what they want and need. to remember all the things that need to be done for them. They rely on you to vigilant and reliable. There's a commercial for a cold medicine that has a parent walk into a room and tell their baby that they need a sick day. And the baby just looks back with a blank expression. There are no breaks, vacations, or sick days with parenting. It is 100% all of the time till they leave the house and even after then because you never stop being a parent.

So it is terrifying to me, yes; but I also am so excited to be a parent (in two to five years, stop asking). Parenting is so rewarding because you get to see these little people grow up and become who they will be. And you get to watch them adopt your good traits, and bad. You get to see your spouses wonderful characteristics as well as flaws in them. And you get to see them develop traits and characteristics that are all their own. one hundred percent unique to them. You get to watch as a child that seemed to be completely influenced by your word and actions become uninfluenced by anything you say or do. You get to watch them make their own mistakes and learn from them because a lot of the time, that is the best and only way to learn some things. 

You get to see many days of unappreciation, and neglect but all those days are forgotten in the moment they show true appreciation. or when you get to seem them succeed and know that you helped them get there in one way or another. You also get to enjoy the successes they achieved on their own. As a parent you get to observe a wide variety of parenting methods and grow and expand your own.

In summary, parenting can be a scary and challenging lifelong task but in the end it is worth it. To conclude your life knowing you put one more good person into the world (if you did it right) would be a very fulfilling thought and a perfect way to leave you legacy.

Fathers

Fathers are so important to the over-all health and development of the child.

Since my parents divorced when I was at a young age, I was mostly raised by my mom and just spent the summers with my dad. The absence of a regular father in my life was felt deeply. I love my Dad. He was the best dad a kid could ask for. Every summer my siblings and I spent with him was full of camping, amusement parks, outdoor movies, drives, fireworks, rockets, climbing, swimming, fishing, ice cream, and just about every other thing a kid could ever want to do. Before we would come every summer, he would spend weeks planning out our entire summer. We had something planned nearly everyday of the 2 1/2 months we were there. Admittedly, I did get exhausting sometimes. But we loved it and I was able to have a pretty diverse and well rounded childhood since I did crazy fun stuff and be a real kid all summer, and got the necessary parenting and teaching I needed during the rest of the year (I had fun with my mom too).

To this day my Dad still tries to do fun things with us. The cost or the time doesn't matter to him. All he wants is to spend time with us in anyway he can and he sacrifices a lot to do so. He taught me how to swim and dive off a diving board. He took me driving the first time on a country road when I was 14. He taught me how to pitch a tent, start a fire, and make a decent meal. He taught me how to fish a gut the fish and prepare them. He taught me how to change oil, a tire, fuses, and headlights. I learned how to ski, fly, make rockets, and canoe because of him. He taught me so many basic and applicable life skills and I am so grateful for it.

Fathers are so important. I was lucky to have a great father who loved us and tried his very hardest to make us happy. When he wasn't there I found myself always wishing he was. I desired his presence and support at school activities and achievements. I missed his presence at daddy- daughter dances. Sometimes, I just really needed to talk to someone or needed help and didn't get it because my mom was gone working or just too busy with running a household of 5 on her own. I know that although I can't imagine my life without a father at all, I know it could have been better with a father in it more regularly. I truly believe that fathers have so much to offer and so much importance to the children and the mother. I have seen first hand how hard it is to be a single mother and I don't wish it for anyone. Please, appreciate your fathers and tell them how much you appreciate all that you do.

Communicate!

Without good communication, I have a had time believing that most relationships and marriages would be successful. Communication is so crucial in every aspect of life. If we fail to have good communication, our thoughts, feelings, and opinions can be lost or neglected and can make us and others feel neglected and unappreciated. I have noticed a big difference in my life between when I choose to communicate and be honest and open about my feelings and when I keep things bottled up.

When I keep things bottled up - especially things that are annoying me - I become irritable and end up exploding at someone over something usually small. It leaves everyone frustrated and bitter towards each other. When I am open and honest with others, it usually feels a lot better to get things resolved and out in the open. Even if the person resents you for a little bit, it is better then exploding at them for something insignificant.

Some tips for good communication are to be a good person, start the communication soft, attempt repairs, and let the other win. Be a good person. make sure what you want to bring up is really worth it and it is something that does need to be resolved. When bringing something up, start the conversation soft and not defensive. Use "I" instead of "you". Do not be defensive. hear the other out. If things do not go well, attempt to repair it. Apologize and try to re-communicate your feelings using different words. Finally, sometimes it is just better to let the other person win. If they are clearly not willing to give up or see your point, it is better to just let it go and accept that you tried.

Communication is so key to happiness in all relationships. I challenge you to try and use the tips next time you need to communicate something that could potentially cause conflict.

Stress

Stress on the family can be detrimental or strengthening. It all depends on how you handle it. So many things can happen on a day to day basis that can cause stress on the family. It is so important to remember that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If you can persevere through your crises and trials, you will be better prepared prepared for the future trials that are sure to put a wrench in your life. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, illness, divorce, financial problems, or a wayward family member; if you have a famliy built on a strong foundation, you will make it through.

When I was 3, my parents felt they had to get a divorce. Being so young, I don't remember it or the implications or trials that came directly after but it is a trial that continues to pester my family to this day nearly 20 years later. Whether or not the divorce was necessary, is not relevant to my point. What is relevant is that every member of our family has had some form of success. Of course we have had our hiccups; but overall, every one of us has become stronger and happier in the end despite the divorce. My mom found a man that she married who suits her much better. She is happy. My Dad also found a woman (after a couple other tries) that is also perfect for him. All of my siblings are leading successful lives whether it be through attending school, starting a family, being strong in the church, or being an extremely hard and dedicated worker. I personally have overcome (but still have some room for improvement) my fears of marriage. After seeing so many fail, and feeling the repercussions as the child, I quite honestly was terrified to get married. I was able to overcome that fear and am very happy in my marriage.

Every challenge can be overcome if you rely on God and each other. Build up your families now and forever make sure you all have strong relationships with each other so that when the trials come, you can over come them and let the trial strengthen you.

Let's Talk About It...

I know this can be an uncomfortable subject but it is so very important. Especially now when people seem to think there is no consequence or importance on the people we have sexual relations with.This simply is not true. There has been study after study showing the affect that sexual intimacy has on the brain and on the hormones and emotions. Hormones are released that cause attachment and bonding. When you have relations with someone, links have been made and what happens next will affect you. Not all that long ago, It was still considered wrong to sleep around with out being in a marriage or at least a committed relationship. Now though, it is common place to have relations with people who are practically strangers just for the "fun" of it. Neither person is to expect anything from the other person aside from sex. Which is a big thing to give. 

You are putting yourself in probably he most vulnerable and open position you could possibly be in and it would be so easy to be hurt. SO why would you put yourself in that situation with anyone other than a spouse?At least when you are married, you are safer. It is less likely you will get hurt. Less likely that they will leave you. More likely they will take responsibilities for their actions and almost a guarantee that they will stay around for the "consequences" - aka: the blessing of having child. 

I am so grateful that I waited for marriage. I will admit, I am human, and it was not easy; but it was the best decision and commitment I ever made. It has brought us so much closer and helps open the door to each others' thoughts and feelings in a safe and inviting environment. It provides a way for you to become so much closer with someone else than you could otherwise be. Not to mention the beautiful blessings of children that can come. 

In short. I implore you to save intimacy for marriage. It is worth the wait. Ladies, please be strong. I learned in one of my classes that it can be said that women give sex to feel and be loved while men give love to receive sex. Be patient. It will pay off. Men, be even more patient. Do not pressure a girl just because you feel pressure. If you are patient, she will reward you for it. Communicate! Sex is awkward but the best thing you can do is be open and 100% honest with each other.

Marriage is Hard

Although I have not been married very long, I have had a few people say something along the lines of, "Well, you're married now so everything is perfect and you don't have to worry about anything"! Wrong. So so wrong. Marriage is one of the hardest yet most gratifying things you will ever do. My husband an I are still in the honey moon stage so we haven't experienced any transitions aside from just getting married. Some of the hardest transitions in marriage are when the first child is born, and when they become "empty nesters". These are also the two most common times for divorce.

The birth of the first child can be especially hard. Often times, the new mother has put all of her focus and attention on the new bundle of joy because it is challenging and the husbands take the back burner. It is not because they don't love them, they just have a lot of stress with the new baby. The husbands can often feel under appreciated and unloved. This is also a time when husbands and wives will fin themselves disagreeing a lot more yet studies show that they actually agree a lot more than they have before. The problem is that they are not communicating. The husbands can sometime be a little ornery because they can feel unappreciated and neglected, In turn, the wives feel unappreciated. It is so important that wives keep their husbands involved with the pregnancy. Tell them what it feels like and let them feel the baby kick. make sure you keep them involved when the baby comes and do everything you can to give them the attention they need as well. Your marital happiness will thank you for it. 

The Second major transition is when the children all leave the home and the couple is alone again. Often, couples put so much time and effort in their children, that they forget about their marriage. After the children leave, they don't have anything in common keeping them together. It is so important that couples make time for each other and continue to date often. They need to keep up hobbies and activities together so that they still have things to do together after the children leave.

A lot of things can be trying in a marriage and times of transition can be particularly tough. If you keep good communication and keep your relationship strong and put each other first, you will be able to get through anything.