Awww...

1 year, one month and 4 days ago, I started dating my best friend. I didn't know for a while (although I had a sneaking suspicion) that I would marry him someday. On the first Sunday of the semester in September 2014, I had the idea to make cookies for about 24 apartments. It was an all day project, but I had hopes that it would pay off. My goal was just to make a lot of friends. I would take a batch fresh out of the oven, deliver to the apartment and talk to whomever was there. I did 12 girl apartments and 6 guy apartments. Jameson opened the door of one of them and seemd friendly enough and the rest of his apartment was super nice so my friends and I went to play games there often and we all became good friends. As the semester went on, the people started not coming and eventually it just became Jameson and me. We were both dating around but decided to just date each other. Because who better to date than your best friend?

We went on a lot of dates but some of the ones that stand out to me most are going to a funeral buffet and a Declan O'Rourke concert, going on a Frank Sinatra themed picnic in the school greenhouse, skipping stones on the river and just talking on the river bank, going to the sand dunes and watching the stars, and the time he played the guitar for me in a building on campus. In all honesty, most of the time while we dated, we "hung out", but we just decided to call them what they were - dates. We dated for 10 months before we married and every second of it was so important. During the winter semester 2015, we had some trials. Things just weren't going right and it made it hard for us. we saw each other at their worst and we came to love each other more completely because of it. We also were apart for most of our engagement due to job opportunities. We had to go through several hard circumstances and I am so grateful for them because, although they were hard, we were able to get to know each other more completely than many do before they marry (especially in LDS culture).

Dating is so crucial to preparing yourself for a good healthy marriage. And I really believe it is so important that every couple go through some sort of trial before they agree to marriage because it lets you see another side of a person you may not ordinarily see and you may not like. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Because of trials, our relationships can be strengthened.

Brace Yourself

This week I have chosen to talk about same-sex attraction and my stance on gay marriage and relationships. If this is something you are easily offended by, please move on to the next blog. There is no denying that same-sex attraction is real. I know a few people still under the impression the it is 100% a choice for every single gay person out there. This is not true. I do believe there are a few who did chose that lifestyle recently and I do not condone that. But most have become that way because of circumstances and family dynamics. I do not believe that they were born that way but instead, very small or sometimes big things that happen very early in their lives have lead them to become that way. In some situations, these boys have been raped or molested by male family members or other male roles in their lives. This can lead to sexual confusion when it was done at such a young age. Or if a boy does not feel accepted by his same sex through his father being unloving or un-involved, or boys at school not treating him the same. The boy could then long for that acceptance from his own sex instead of girls and if this happens at the wrong age, it can be confused as attraction and then develop into a long term same-sex attraction. Watch this documentary about gay men and their search for help. It has been very enlightening to me and I hope it will be the same for you.

From an LDS prospective, the Church has not denied that same-sex attraction does exist. Being gay is not a sin, acting on it is. There are plenty of people in the church that are openly gay and still have callings, still hold the priesthood, and still have temple recommends. There are many gays that are happily married to women and have children and have been able to be strong against temptation. It is possible to be a strong member of this church and be gay, you just have to control your desires and that is not easy for anyone. It's not easy for straight people to be chaste just as it is not easy for gays. Please visit this site to view the church's full stance on same-sex attraction.

We are Not Defined by Our Ancestor's Choices

In my last post, I discussed how the family helps mold us into who we become. It is important to understand, however, that our family does not totally define who we are to become. For my class this week, we watched a video called Tammy's Story. It is about a woman who lives in a trailer with her sons. She walks to Burger king to work every day and does not believe that it is her fault that she is poor because her dad is poor. Her oldest son Matt, has hopes and dreams of going to college and getting an education to break the cycle. The sad result is that Matt doesn't go to college. He doesn't even finish High School. the family is in the same place they were a few years earlier.Tammy talks about bigger dreams but does not fulfill them.

On the other hand, there are people like Dr. Ben Carson who was also born into a single mother home in poverty. The mother was also uneducated. The difference is that the mom had hopes for her sons. Although she was illiterate, she made her boys read a book every week and write a paper on it to give to her. Flash forward 50 or so years and Dr. Carson is one of the most accomplished neurosurgeons in the world. He has retired from John's Hopkins and is now running for president of the United states.

Although it is not easy to break the cycle, it is absolutely possible. If you have the determination and really work for it, you can get yourself out of any situation and full fill your dreams and make a better future for your posterity. 

Families: A System

Families are the most important social system we will ever belong to. They almost completely make us who we become. Whether you like it our not, your family has helped make you who you are and subsequently, you will find that you have the similar habits and values. From the time we are born till we are 18(usually) our family is who we spend the most amount of time with. We may spend some of the time at school or day cares, but at the end of the day, you go back to your family. Children learn a lot from observation. I remember when I was little, I thought all moms or female adults would walk or bend over with their hand resting on their lower back. So as a little girl pretending to be an adult, I would walk around the house with my hand resting on the small of my back, pretending to do something important. This is not actually a thing all adults do, just my mom. Another example of how we are molded by our families would be our political views. My parents and all my older siblings and I are part of the same party. because we all have the same values.

Even though, a lot of who we are stems from our family, we also have our individuality. For example, I am an animal lover. As a child I was obsessed with them and had a different power point every week on why we should have a dog. I never got one. I was the only one in my family who was passionate about animals. so where did that come from? It wasn't my family that's for sure. I don't believe school instilled a love of animals in me so where did that come from? Or my love of swimming? I believe that comes from our own personality that we develop that is uniquely us. It's what makes us different. If everyone was an exact replica of the family, there would not be as much diversity in the world.

I love my family and I am so glad that I have become who I am today because of them. Although no family is perfect and there are certainly qualities I have from my family which I am not grateful for, the good ones make up for it. And that's the beautiful thing about individuality, you can change some aspects of who you are.

Does it matter how many children I have?

The short response is, yes. It absolutely matters. There is no doubt that how many children 
you have affects you, your family, your marriage, posterity, as well as God's plan. However,
I do not agree that this means we should have as many children as we physically can. I know 
two very large families (8 - 10 kids). One has turned out beautifully. In general, they are all 
happy and successful and have started families of their own; as well as stayed active in the 
LDS church. On the other hand, the other family has several (if not every) child has gone 
astray or has some very serious emotional struggles. Mind you, this is also an active LDS family. 
Two are homeless, addicted to hard drugs, in and out of prison, and having children that
immediately get taken by the state. Three had a rebellious stage similar to the other two 
but have thankfully grown out of it and seem to be doing good and have their own families. 
Three have struggled with relationships, staying abstinent, being honest, faithful, and loyal. 
One is extremely addicted to computer games. I'm not talking like plays 3 hours every day, 
I'm talking 15 hours a day--skipped his grandpa's funeral to play--addicted. The youngest is 
okay so far. The parents are married, yet completely absent in their children's lives (especially 
the ones at home) and have seemingly given up on those that are currently struggling. 
The mother is a wonderfully kind woman. She gives selflessly and loves deeply, yet has a TV 
addiction. The father also loves deeply and has a lot of wisdom, yet struggles with hoarding. 
I love both of these families very much. Yes, these are extremes but the point needs to be 
made that not every family is able to have large families and not have it have a negative 
impact.

I believe the decision lies between a husband, his wife, and God. In a family foundations 
class I am currently taking at my university, we just discussed in class how children effect 
marital satisfaction. Though this is not a rule, it is a trend that marital satisfaction goes down 
as soon as you have kids, and a lot of divorces happen then. I think it is very important to 
develop a strong relationship with your spouse so that there is a better chance of overcoming
those challenges that parenting brings. Every family and every couple is different, so there is
no set amount or ratio of children that anyone should have. Also, B. Young's quote, I feel, is 
outdated. At that time in history, it was completely appropriate and necessary to have as 
many children as possible, that is one of the reasons polygamy was allowed for a time. similar 
to how wine was used in sacrament in biblical times, and is no longer appropriate now. Don't 
miss understand me, I think big families are wonderful, but it isn't the best option for every 
family.

This post is in response to these two quotes from very good and faithful men, who I have 
much respect for. 

"There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our 
duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those 
spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, 
and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles 
 for all the spirits they can."
 - President Brigham Young

"You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well 
your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become 
perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God 
in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. 
And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to 
you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college 
degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the 
face of difficult obstacles.  
 "Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, 
and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who 
carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I 
am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or 
two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that 
even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love 
the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love 
the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach 
them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives."
 - President Spencer W. Kimball (in an open letter to all young couples, found here in the  
Ensign, June 1975)