The D word

Divorce. It can be one of the most detrimental things to happen to a family. It rip it apart and stomp on the pieces. It can lead to some of the biggest regret of one's life - since more than half of divorcees regret the decision. Yet despite its damaging affects, it is sometimes truly necessary and can leave everyone or at least most of them better off in the end.

The three reasons I believe divorce would be acceptable or even advantageous would be repeated abuse of ANY form, a serious addiction, or repeated infidelity. I also believe, however, that these are not reasons to get a divorce if the accused person is TRULY willing to changed, has the desire to, and has shown that clearly to the spouse.

If some one is abusing their spouse or anyone else whether it be physically, sexually, verbally, emotionally, or cognitively and have not shown a true desire or willingness to get the professional help needed, then I believe that the marriage should come to the end. In that circumstance, there is no way the abused could be worse off in the long run (provided they don't get involved with another abuser). It would of course be hard and legalities and restraining orders may be necessary.

The second circumstance would be any form of addiction. Addictions are "a strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble)" (http://beta.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/addiction). Serious addictions interfere with your everyday life and come between the relationships with loved ones. Any addiction whether it is gambling, drugs, alcohol, gaming, pornography, food, exercise, shopping, lying, sex, etc can become extreme enough to where the addicted can value and even love the addiction more than the spouse or family. I have seen this happen and it is one of the worst ways to live for all involved. I would encourage the non-addicted spouse to do everything they can to get that person help and be patient. if nothing works, than you can honestly say you did your best and leave.

The third reason is repeated infidelity. I am a forgiving person and I understand that temptations can be strong and everyone has moments of weakness. Although every circumstance is different, I believe that the first time should eventually be forgiven so long as they are truly remorseful for it. For me, I believe that the second time would be my end point because I have very little tolerance for cheating. I get one mistake but if they had godly sorrow, i don't think they would be weak enough to make the same mistake again. Everyone is different though. Some wouldn't leave even if it was a regular thing and that is their choice. 

Divorce is an awful, awful thing but it is sometimes necessary. But I would encourage everyone considering divorce to make sure you have truly done everything you are capable of doing (not just what you are willing to do) before you consider it further. I really believe these are the only three reasons for divorce. So you fell out of love? Fall back in love again! You aren't compatible? Let go of your pride and be willing to change!

Please, for the sake of any kids (if there are any) don't do it unless absolutely necessary.

The Best Job on Earth

Parenting is terrifying. I'm way more scared to be parent than I was to become a wife.The thing about being a wife is that your husband loves you for who you are (or should anyways). Although we always have room for improvement and should be constantly changing (hopefully for the better), our souse has excepted us as is. Every quirk, flaw, and perfection. He is an individual who makes his own decisions and can fend for himself. Just as the wife can. We are important to each other but physically, we are fine on our own.

With children, they are completely dependent on you till they can talk really. They rely on you to know what they want and need. to remember all the things that need to be done for them. They rely on you to vigilant and reliable. There's a commercial for a cold medicine that has a parent walk into a room and tell their baby that they need a sick day. And the baby just looks back with a blank expression. There are no breaks, vacations, or sick days with parenting. It is 100% all of the time till they leave the house and even after then because you never stop being a parent.

So it is terrifying to me, yes; but I also am so excited to be a parent (in two to five years, stop asking). Parenting is so rewarding because you get to see these little people grow up and become who they will be. And you get to watch them adopt your good traits, and bad. You get to see your spouses wonderful characteristics as well as flaws in them. And you get to see them develop traits and characteristics that are all their own. one hundred percent unique to them. You get to watch as a child that seemed to be completely influenced by your word and actions become uninfluenced by anything you say or do. You get to watch them make their own mistakes and learn from them because a lot of the time, that is the best and only way to learn some things. 

You get to see many days of unappreciation, and neglect but all those days are forgotten in the moment they show true appreciation. or when you get to seem them succeed and know that you helped them get there in one way or another. You also get to enjoy the successes they achieved on their own. As a parent you get to observe a wide variety of parenting methods and grow and expand your own.

In summary, parenting can be a scary and challenging lifelong task but in the end it is worth it. To conclude your life knowing you put one more good person into the world (if you did it right) would be a very fulfilling thought and a perfect way to leave you legacy.

Fathers

Fathers are so important to the over-all health and development of the child.

Since my parents divorced when I was at a young age, I was mostly raised by my mom and just spent the summers with my dad. The absence of a regular father in my life was felt deeply. I love my Dad. He was the best dad a kid could ask for. Every summer my siblings and I spent with him was full of camping, amusement parks, outdoor movies, drives, fireworks, rockets, climbing, swimming, fishing, ice cream, and just about every other thing a kid could ever want to do. Before we would come every summer, he would spend weeks planning out our entire summer. We had something planned nearly everyday of the 2 1/2 months we were there. Admittedly, I did get exhausting sometimes. But we loved it and I was able to have a pretty diverse and well rounded childhood since I did crazy fun stuff and be a real kid all summer, and got the necessary parenting and teaching I needed during the rest of the year (I had fun with my mom too).

To this day my Dad still tries to do fun things with us. The cost or the time doesn't matter to him. All he wants is to spend time with us in anyway he can and he sacrifices a lot to do so. He taught me how to swim and dive off a diving board. He took me driving the first time on a country road when I was 14. He taught me how to pitch a tent, start a fire, and make a decent meal. He taught me how to fish a gut the fish and prepare them. He taught me how to change oil, a tire, fuses, and headlights. I learned how to ski, fly, make rockets, and canoe because of him. He taught me so many basic and applicable life skills and I am so grateful for it.

Fathers are so important. I was lucky to have a great father who loved us and tried his very hardest to make us happy. When he wasn't there I found myself always wishing he was. I desired his presence and support at school activities and achievements. I missed his presence at daddy- daughter dances. Sometimes, I just really needed to talk to someone or needed help and didn't get it because my mom was gone working or just too busy with running a household of 5 on her own. I know that although I can't imagine my life without a father at all, I know it could have been better with a father in it more regularly. I truly believe that fathers have so much to offer and so much importance to the children and the mother. I have seen first hand how hard it is to be a single mother and I don't wish it for anyone. Please, appreciate your fathers and tell them how much you appreciate all that you do.

Communicate!

Without good communication, I have a had time believing that most relationships and marriages would be successful. Communication is so crucial in every aspect of life. If we fail to have good communication, our thoughts, feelings, and opinions can be lost or neglected and can make us and others feel neglected and unappreciated. I have noticed a big difference in my life between when I choose to communicate and be honest and open about my feelings and when I keep things bottled up.

When I keep things bottled up - especially things that are annoying me - I become irritable and end up exploding at someone over something usually small. It leaves everyone frustrated and bitter towards each other. When I am open and honest with others, it usually feels a lot better to get things resolved and out in the open. Even if the person resents you for a little bit, it is better then exploding at them for something insignificant.

Some tips for good communication are to be a good person, start the communication soft, attempt repairs, and let the other win. Be a good person. make sure what you want to bring up is really worth it and it is something that does need to be resolved. When bringing something up, start the conversation soft and not defensive. Use "I" instead of "you". Do not be defensive. hear the other out. If things do not go well, attempt to repair it. Apologize and try to re-communicate your feelings using different words. Finally, sometimes it is just better to let the other person win. If they are clearly not willing to give up or see your point, it is better to just let it go and accept that you tried.

Communication is so key to happiness in all relationships. I challenge you to try and use the tips next time you need to communicate something that could potentially cause conflict.

Stress

Stress on the family can be detrimental or strengthening. It all depends on how you handle it. So many things can happen on a day to day basis that can cause stress on the family. It is so important to remember that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. If you can persevere through your crises and trials, you will be better prepared prepared for the future trials that are sure to put a wrench in your life. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, illness, divorce, financial problems, or a wayward family member; if you have a famliy built on a strong foundation, you will make it through.

When I was 3, my parents felt they had to get a divorce. Being so young, I don't remember it or the implications or trials that came directly after but it is a trial that continues to pester my family to this day nearly 20 years later. Whether or not the divorce was necessary, is not relevant to my point. What is relevant is that every member of our family has had some form of success. Of course we have had our hiccups; but overall, every one of us has become stronger and happier in the end despite the divorce. My mom found a man that she married who suits her much better. She is happy. My Dad also found a woman (after a couple other tries) that is also perfect for him. All of my siblings are leading successful lives whether it be through attending school, starting a family, being strong in the church, or being an extremely hard and dedicated worker. I personally have overcome (but still have some room for improvement) my fears of marriage. After seeing so many fail, and feeling the repercussions as the child, I quite honestly was terrified to get married. I was able to overcome that fear and am very happy in my marriage.

Every challenge can be overcome if you rely on God and each other. Build up your families now and forever make sure you all have strong relationships with each other so that when the trials come, you can over come them and let the trial strengthen you.

Let's Talk About It...

I know this can be an uncomfortable subject but it is so very important. Especially now when people seem to think there is no consequence or importance on the people we have sexual relations with.This simply is not true. There has been study after study showing the affect that sexual intimacy has on the brain and on the hormones and emotions. Hormones are released that cause attachment and bonding. When you have relations with someone, links have been made and what happens next will affect you. Not all that long ago, It was still considered wrong to sleep around with out being in a marriage or at least a committed relationship. Now though, it is common place to have relations with people who are practically strangers just for the "fun" of it. Neither person is to expect anything from the other person aside from sex. Which is a big thing to give. 

You are putting yourself in probably he most vulnerable and open position you could possibly be in and it would be so easy to be hurt. SO why would you put yourself in that situation with anyone other than a spouse?At least when you are married, you are safer. It is less likely you will get hurt. Less likely that they will leave you. More likely they will take responsibilities for their actions and almost a guarantee that they will stay around for the "consequences" - aka: the blessing of having child. 

I am so grateful that I waited for marriage. I will admit, I am human, and it was not easy; but it was the best decision and commitment I ever made. It has brought us so much closer and helps open the door to each others' thoughts and feelings in a safe and inviting environment. It provides a way for you to become so much closer with someone else than you could otherwise be. Not to mention the beautiful blessings of children that can come. 

In short. I implore you to save intimacy for marriage. It is worth the wait. Ladies, please be strong. I learned in one of my classes that it can be said that women give sex to feel and be loved while men give love to receive sex. Be patient. It will pay off. Men, be even more patient. Do not pressure a girl just because you feel pressure. If you are patient, she will reward you for it. Communicate! Sex is awkward but the best thing you can do is be open and 100% honest with each other.

Marriage is Hard

Although I have not been married very long, I have had a few people say something along the lines of, "Well, you're married now so everything is perfect and you don't have to worry about anything"! Wrong. So so wrong. Marriage is one of the hardest yet most gratifying things you will ever do. My husband an I are still in the honey moon stage so we haven't experienced any transitions aside from just getting married. Some of the hardest transitions in marriage are when the first child is born, and when they become "empty nesters". These are also the two most common times for divorce.

The birth of the first child can be especially hard. Often times, the new mother has put all of her focus and attention on the new bundle of joy because it is challenging and the husbands take the back burner. It is not because they don't love them, they just have a lot of stress with the new baby. The husbands can often feel under appreciated and unloved. This is also a time when husbands and wives will fin themselves disagreeing a lot more yet studies show that they actually agree a lot more than they have before. The problem is that they are not communicating. The husbands can sometime be a little ornery because they can feel unappreciated and neglected, In turn, the wives feel unappreciated. It is so important that wives keep their husbands involved with the pregnancy. Tell them what it feels like and let them feel the baby kick. make sure you keep them involved when the baby comes and do everything you can to give them the attention they need as well. Your marital happiness will thank you for it. 

The Second major transition is when the children all leave the home and the couple is alone again. Often, couples put so much time and effort in their children, that they forget about their marriage. After the children leave, they don't have anything in common keeping them together. It is so important that couples make time for each other and continue to date often. They need to keep up hobbies and activities together so that they still have things to do together after the children leave.

A lot of things can be trying in a marriage and times of transition can be particularly tough. If you keep good communication and keep your relationship strong and put each other first, you will be able to get through anything.

Awww...

1 year, one month and 4 days ago, I started dating my best friend. I didn't know for a while (although I had a sneaking suspicion) that I would marry him someday. On the first Sunday of the semester in September 2014, I had the idea to make cookies for about 24 apartments. It was an all day project, but I had hopes that it would pay off. My goal was just to make a lot of friends. I would take a batch fresh out of the oven, deliver to the apartment and talk to whomever was there. I did 12 girl apartments and 6 guy apartments. Jameson opened the door of one of them and seemd friendly enough and the rest of his apartment was super nice so my friends and I went to play games there often and we all became good friends. As the semester went on, the people started not coming and eventually it just became Jameson and me. We were both dating around but decided to just date each other. Because who better to date than your best friend?

We went on a lot of dates but some of the ones that stand out to me most are going to a funeral buffet and a Declan O'Rourke concert, going on a Frank Sinatra themed picnic in the school greenhouse, skipping stones on the river and just talking on the river bank, going to the sand dunes and watching the stars, and the time he played the guitar for me in a building on campus. In all honesty, most of the time while we dated, we "hung out", but we just decided to call them what they were - dates. We dated for 10 months before we married and every second of it was so important. During the winter semester 2015, we had some trials. Things just weren't going right and it made it hard for us. we saw each other at their worst and we came to love each other more completely because of it. We also were apart for most of our engagement due to job opportunities. We had to go through several hard circumstances and I am so grateful for them because, although they were hard, we were able to get to know each other more completely than many do before they marry (especially in LDS culture).

Dating is so crucial to preparing yourself for a good healthy marriage. And I really believe it is so important that every couple go through some sort of trial before they agree to marriage because it lets you see another side of a person you may not ordinarily see and you may not like. That what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Because of trials, our relationships can be strengthened.

Brace Yourself

This week I have chosen to talk about same-sex attraction and my stance on gay marriage and relationships. If this is something you are easily offended by, please move on to the next blog. There is no denying that same-sex attraction is real. I know a few people still under the impression the it is 100% a choice for every single gay person out there. This is not true. I do believe there are a few who did chose that lifestyle recently and I do not condone that. But most have become that way because of circumstances and family dynamics. I do not believe that they were born that way but instead, very small or sometimes big things that happen very early in their lives have lead them to become that way. In some situations, these boys have been raped or molested by male family members or other male roles in their lives. This can lead to sexual confusion when it was done at such a young age. Or if a boy does not feel accepted by his same sex through his father being unloving or un-involved, or boys at school not treating him the same. The boy could then long for that acceptance from his own sex instead of girls and if this happens at the wrong age, it can be confused as attraction and then develop into a long term same-sex attraction. Watch this documentary about gay men and their search for help. It has been very enlightening to me and I hope it will be the same for you.

From an LDS prospective, the Church has not denied that same-sex attraction does exist. Being gay is not a sin, acting on it is. There are plenty of people in the church that are openly gay and still have callings, still hold the priesthood, and still have temple recommends. There are many gays that are happily married to women and have children and have been able to be strong against temptation. It is possible to be a strong member of this church and be gay, you just have to control your desires and that is not easy for anyone. It's not easy for straight people to be chaste just as it is not easy for gays. Please visit this site to view the church's full stance on same-sex attraction.

We are Not Defined by Our Ancestor's Choices

In my last post, I discussed how the family helps mold us into who we become. It is important to understand, however, that our family does not totally define who we are to become. For my class this week, we watched a video called Tammy's Story. It is about a woman who lives in a trailer with her sons. She walks to Burger king to work every day and does not believe that it is her fault that she is poor because her dad is poor. Her oldest son Matt, has hopes and dreams of going to college and getting an education to break the cycle. The sad result is that Matt doesn't go to college. He doesn't even finish High School. the family is in the same place they were a few years earlier.Tammy talks about bigger dreams but does not fulfill them.

On the other hand, there are people like Dr. Ben Carson who was also born into a single mother home in poverty. The mother was also uneducated. The difference is that the mom had hopes for her sons. Although she was illiterate, she made her boys read a book every week and write a paper on it to give to her. Flash forward 50 or so years and Dr. Carson is one of the most accomplished neurosurgeons in the world. He has retired from John's Hopkins and is now running for president of the United states.

Although it is not easy to break the cycle, it is absolutely possible. If you have the determination and really work for it, you can get yourself out of any situation and full fill your dreams and make a better future for your posterity. 

Families: A System

Families are the most important social system we will ever belong to. They almost completely make us who we become. Whether you like it our not, your family has helped make you who you are and subsequently, you will find that you have the similar habits and values. From the time we are born till we are 18(usually) our family is who we spend the most amount of time with. We may spend some of the time at school or day cares, but at the end of the day, you go back to your family. Children learn a lot from observation. I remember when I was little, I thought all moms or female adults would walk or bend over with their hand resting on their lower back. So as a little girl pretending to be an adult, I would walk around the house with my hand resting on the small of my back, pretending to do something important. This is not actually a thing all adults do, just my mom. Another example of how we are molded by our families would be our political views. My parents and all my older siblings and I are part of the same party. because we all have the same values.

Even though, a lot of who we are stems from our family, we also have our individuality. For example, I am an animal lover. As a child I was obsessed with them and had a different power point every week on why we should have a dog. I never got one. I was the only one in my family who was passionate about animals. so where did that come from? It wasn't my family that's for sure. I don't believe school instilled a love of animals in me so where did that come from? Or my love of swimming? I believe that comes from our own personality that we develop that is uniquely us. It's what makes us different. If everyone was an exact replica of the family, there would not be as much diversity in the world.

I love my family and I am so glad that I have become who I am today because of them. Although no family is perfect and there are certainly qualities I have from my family which I am not grateful for, the good ones make up for it. And that's the beautiful thing about individuality, you can change some aspects of who you are.

Does it matter how many children I have?

The short response is, yes. It absolutely matters. There is no doubt that how many children 
you have affects you, your family, your marriage, posterity, as well as God's plan. However,
I do not agree that this means we should have as many children as we physically can. I know 
two very large families (8 - 10 kids). One has turned out beautifully. In general, they are all 
happy and successful and have started families of their own; as well as stayed active in the 
LDS church. On the other hand, the other family has several (if not every) child has gone 
astray or has some very serious emotional struggles. Mind you, this is also an active LDS family. 
Two are homeless, addicted to hard drugs, in and out of prison, and having children that
immediately get taken by the state. Three had a rebellious stage similar to the other two 
but have thankfully grown out of it and seem to be doing good and have their own families. 
Three have struggled with relationships, staying abstinent, being honest, faithful, and loyal. 
One is extremely addicted to computer games. I'm not talking like plays 3 hours every day, 
I'm talking 15 hours a day--skipped his grandpa's funeral to play--addicted. The youngest is 
okay so far. The parents are married, yet completely absent in their children's lives (especially 
the ones at home) and have seemingly given up on those that are currently struggling. 
The mother is a wonderfully kind woman. She gives selflessly and loves deeply, yet has a TV 
addiction. The father also loves deeply and has a lot of wisdom, yet struggles with hoarding. 
I love both of these families very much. Yes, these are extremes but the point needs to be 
made that not every family is able to have large families and not have it have a negative 
impact.

I believe the decision lies between a husband, his wife, and God. In a family foundations 
class I am currently taking at my university, we just discussed in class how children effect 
marital satisfaction. Though this is not a rule, it is a trend that marital satisfaction goes down 
as soon as you have kids, and a lot of divorces happen then. I think it is very important to 
develop a strong relationship with your spouse so that there is a better chance of overcoming
those challenges that parenting brings. Every family and every couple is different, so there is
no set amount or ratio of children that anyone should have. Also, B. Young's quote, I feel, is 
outdated. At that time in history, it was completely appropriate and necessary to have as 
many children as possible, that is one of the reasons polygamy was allowed for a time. similar 
to how wine was used in sacrament in biblical times, and is no longer appropriate now. Don't 
miss understand me, I think big families are wonderful, but it isn't the best option for every 
family.

This post is in response to these two quotes from very good and faithful men, who I have 
much respect for. 

"There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our 
duty?—To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those 
spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, 
and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles 
 for all the spirits they can."
 - President Brigham Young

"You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well 
your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become 
perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God 
in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. 
And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to 
you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college 
degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the 
face of difficult obstacles.  
 "Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, 
and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who 
carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I 
am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or 
two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that 
even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love 
the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love 
the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach 
them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives."
 - President Spencer W. Kimball (in an open letter to all young couples, found here in the  
Ensign, June 1975)